TO THAT ONE GUY I LOVE,

I HATE YOU, FREAK! ASSHOLE.

WITH LOTS OF LOVES,

ME!

told you. despite how mad am i with him, i still love him.

i love the things we do together. i love the way i pinch him. i love the way we fight. i love the way we argue. i love the way he pisses me off. i love the way when i kick his butt. i love the way he said "look out for cars LAH!" i love the way he says he love me. i love the way we talk. i love the way i talk to my friends about him non-stop. i love the way i tell "them" i'm waiting for him. i love the way people wanna check out who my boyfriend is. i love the way i slap him. i love the way when he gets irritated. i love the way he looks at me. i love the way he talks to me when he knows he's at fault. i love the way we spend together after a long day out. i love the way when he brings me out with him friends. i love the way he put his arms around me. i love the way i wait for him after work. i love the way when we end work together. i love it when he sits beside me. i love the way he holds my hand. i love the way he kisses me. i love the way he talks nothing but the same whole craps he has. BORING. i love it when he gets angry. i love it when he says "okay!" to everything i request. i love the way i behave when i'm with him. and i love the way i am as his girlfriend. BUT,

i really hate him quite a bit, at times.

and, he is the one guy whom i love.

ALRIGHT BITCHES, LET'S GET THE NIGHT READY. THE PARTY WILL BE STARTING SOON. LET'S ROCK THE ROOM TILL MORNING!

SEE YOU BITCHES.

you know, there are alot of chinese vampires movies or dramas that scripted that when a vampire wanna become a human, they have to suck hundreds or thousands or millions humans blood.

very surprisingly, there's actually someone(a man) who believes that by eating 108 lizards, he can become a deity. so, he was always hunting for live lizards and cut them half with his teeth and swollow it down.

so, when the officers interviewed him, he said he has already eaten 50, he needs 58 more.

and of course, he didn't become any deity la. oh ya! he look very much alike lizard too.


SOMEBODY, PLEASE GO PRAY WITH ME. I MADE ALOT OF SINS. LKK PLEASE GIVE ME MY MONEY NOW! I NEED TO MAKE DONATIONS. I AM SINFUL, I AM REALLY GUILTY. I'M A GREAT LIAR. I HATE IT!

sometimes, i really think i got one of the sweetest guy one earth. BECAUSE....
we were at dam yesterday and out of nowhere, i had gastric ache. so, he went jalan kayu to packet mee goreng for me alone.

sometimes, i really think i got one of the most clumsy and blur guy. BECAUSE...
i was so happy to see him back with my food. yet when he opened the box, the whole mee goreng's oil was covering my bag and his box. that was because he didn't tie the plastic tight and when he corner, the whole things spilled out of the plastic bag. then, everyone was there relaxing and i was there's clearing up the mess, alone. and he bloody shit can relax and talk to his friends. so, his friend said i'm there to actually clean his box.

sometimes, i really think i got an asshole. BECAUSE...
when we reach dam, he went straight to talk to his friend and leaving me there alone. do what? count how many stars in the sky lor. at least the couple was there to accompany me.

EVERYTIME, i really think i got a demanding and sickening guy. BECAUSE...
he is really one. you wouldn't wanna know. okay, maybe one example. like dying the same hair colour. yea, we got the same hair color now. he even ask me to stand in front of the mirror to see if it's the same. god! i can kill him at times. you wouldn't wanna know how hard i hit him.

just recently, i think i got one of the nicest guy. (this could be a bit of a no link) BECAUSE....
we were sleeping and out of nowhere i couldn't control, i'm gonna sneeze. i don't know why, i turned to him and sneeze right at his face. you know la, sometimes, you really wanna sneeze but you just couldn't turn fast to another direction. it's was pretty funny the way he react but he wasn't angry at all. AND ALSO, there this one day when i was really tired during work, i wanted to request to go home and rest but a bit paiseh. 'cause i took mc they day before. you know what, i guy handed me his keys to ask me go his place and rest. SO NICE RIGHT.

still, i don't know why, i'm still so willing to stick to him till this very day. there's really uncountable times when i really got tired of this relationship and seriously giving up. that's was 'cause i was having depression not really very serious but yea, on medication still. i'm at fault too, i didn't tell him. that was also 'cause both of us work like shit everyday and we really didn't have time to meet. the only time we meet is only weekends and that's doesn't means that we will be meeting. imagine a whole week of not meeting and i'm having depression. so, yea, i gone crazy the other time, i guess. it's really good that today is a holiday, so, at least, the both of us can spend a weekday together.

i think we wouldn't be meeting this week till friday or even saturday. i hate saturdays. i end work at 2 or 3 and he promised me that he would fetch me after work FOR SURE. unfortunately, it always ended up that i will be at knocking his window to wake him up. imgaine having him greet me with his smelly mouth every saturday, i can seriously faint after my tough day at work. LOL! anyway, he said he's gonna duplicate his keys for me so that i can ransack his room. no la, so that i can go his house and rest when i end work early or i'm really sleepy while shopping. meanwhile, i'll be acting as a maid cleaning up his room for him, all over again.

but still, i love him.

i see myself shopping for him and not myself.

anyway, my queky and i was laughing the whole day with my broken chinese and stupid imagination.

ade, 我们自己人, 每一次出门shopping自己一个人很 sian hor. then 你 imagine, 那些 pigeons, 每一次都是自己一个, 不会绝得很 lonely meh? then, 它们 walk aimlessly, 不知道要走去那里, 就去这个树那个树, then 看到別的 pigeons, 就会说: "我们不是在那个树一起大便过吗?"

i tell you, after this my queky seriously wanna smack me real hard. i don't know what's in me that made me being so curious for the pigeons' feelings.

2.5kg gone. just by sitting down in the office everyday. imagine i'm without make-ups now. i looked like ghost. i'm serious. totally white face. no appetite for food. just drinking 1 week ago water and surviving with leftovers from last week's chocolate. in fact, i'm forcing the chocolate down my throat. now, i fucking feel like puking.

know something, i actually, slept in the kitchen last night while waking up for my medicine. actually, it was cause i couldn't breathe out of a sudden. did i fainted or i slept, i wasn't sure too. so, yea, i slept till i was feeling cold and woke up back to my bed. no one knows too.

my hand numb, it's trembling. can imagine whatever is on my hand will shake too. even msging. people actually looked at me in the train, like i'm a werido. assholes. i have to fold my arms so that i weren't look like a werido.

gonna go see the doctor later. not gonna let anyone in the family knows. it's better if i keep it to myself. so, no one gets worried. hopefully, refers me to some god-made doctors. get my health back into on piece!

okay, it's still trembling like so electric chair while type this shit in office. yea, sick and still working in office. shit ass. and now, i'm like trying to breathe in oxygen like i have never breathed before.

gonna go sleep on my desk now till 130 and off i go.

i'm really tired.

i don't know what to do. what's on my mind actually? i wanna find somewhere peaceful. just sit there alone and not think of anything. i wanna sleep. i wanna stop thinking of anything. i'm really tired. i've got no more strength.

i tired of myself, work, relationship, studies, family and life.

i hate myself. i hate work. i hate my relationship. i hate my studies. i hate my family not being understanding. i hate my life for being so fucked up.

i hate stress. i know my hand has been trembling like some sort of sickness 'cause i'm really stress to the point where i can't take it anymore.

i'm tired. tired of getting all the shit from everyone. doing things people don't even appreciate at all and expecting more. i'm not a machine. i need a break at times. i don't like them demanding me to do things i hate.

i'm tired of my body. the cramps i have the whole day. the suddenly dizziness. the sudden blackout. the amount of medicine i have been taking. the pale lips. the fucking pale face without make-up, i look fucking sick. the office's air con is freezing me to death yet they complained that it's too humid.

i tired of my relationship. this is the greatest sin i made.

what have i been thinking? i actually walked aimless today. what was on my mind? i was purely just looking at the floor of vivo. i looked aimless on the train. who or what am i looking at?

i hate being someone else to cover my weakness. why do i have fake the strong side of me? being the bubbly girl in office, so everyone thinks i'm happy and i get to do all the shit again, all pile up for me to settle.

i'm not happy at all. i wish i didn't have this kind of life. i wish i didn't get to meet him. i wish i didn't get this job. i wish i could stop being someone else. i wish i could have a better life. at least better than now. i wish i didn't have to go to school. i wish i were healtier.

i hate the life in singapore. i hate the people being so typical, brainless. what a hopeless society. fucking young kid doesn't knows how to give up his seat to old lady yet i being so much i pain had to give up mine. typical kiasu people pushing people in front into the train, for fuck? does the pushing helps to get you in the train faster? dumb. typical singapore who send unreadable english msg me and i have to fucking call back and ask what they meant, ended up getting scolded for "simple msg also don't understand." asshole. what does "ok. come" means? i hate people seeing an empty space yet still wanna squeeze into my space. how the fuck am i going to walk? i hate people walking so damn fucking slow. don't they have brains like if they are walking s-l-o-w-l-y, please kindly move to another side of the pathway and not blocking my way. i hate people who thinks i doesn't have the damn money to pay. f that auntie. "can change the drinks?" "can, extra money." "can add this?" "can, need to pay extra." cheebye! need me to show you how much i got not! fucking realistic world. how could people survive so long?

i tired of everything. i wanna rest. i wanna go somewhere just to be alone. i need some time for myself. 'cause i have stopped understanding myself. i need to find myself back. i don't wanna be somebody else.

imagine having something 3cm small in your body. HOW CUTE. and you will never know how big it will grow. worse if you don't even know if the medicine the doctor gave does helps.

i'm scared. why am i not?



wanted to let it out so much in the office when i told queky. i knew she would react the way i would reacted. that's my bestfriend. of cos, today is the big day in office, i wouldn't wanna spoil everything. so, yea.

damn fucking dulan la! fuckermania!


what's with the world these days. so many people without their own opinions, ideas, point of views, concepts, judgements. come on, be innovative assholes. stop imitating.

i met 2 today.

(1) someone's been stalking my life. for what? move on. what's so wonderful about looking back at the past? it's okay if you stalk me like you're totally fallen for me. you needn't have to imitate me. get a life, fool. and again, MOVE ON. anyway, be innovative please. no ripping.


(2) please, whatever i left on the table is not meant to be copied! can you have your own idea on how to do your list? not copying exactly the same as mine. damn. it's my idea. my own planning. it's me, i came out with the format, the ideas, the whole concepts. it's mine stuffs! worse, imitating the way we speak too. please fucking stop talking like me on the phone. for the aunties, stop acting cute. there's no way you can do to replace me in office. i'm the youngest. so what! what's wrong with it? it doesn't mean that you can copy my hard work and use it for your own. chee beh! imagine i rip off whatever you did, just like how the above stalker and you freaks did, how will you feel? you invade my privacy, my rice bowl. now, you took my list. i didn't even fucking went over to your place to peep any shit you got. what else do you all want?

you want my list? beg me. i might consider selling you the better ones.

why the more i avoid thinking how it used to be, the more i couldn't forget how everything went. why till this very day, it's still the same.

if we could turn back time, will it still be this way?

it really makes me ponder and ponder how could i ever fall for him. he wasn't even the one i'm looking for yet he did it. congrats, ho!

he can make me hate him to max and the next moment, fall in love with him all over again. that's the thing i hate. he always has his ways to handle me. i hate it when he knows my weakness.

can you imagine, i was pissed off with him cause he can see him clothing and i cannot. that's cause we were rushing for our movie. see a while will die meh? so, i got irritated and stopped talking to him. then, he got really irritated when i didn't answer his questions so he said this in the cinema: "you not happy to talk to me then i leave now la!" wah piang eh. damn man la!

(sometimes, i really like to make him get piss off with me. so man la. i actually did it on purpose quite a lot of times.) sssshhhhhhhhh.

*** see, i was just looking at my cellphone and he called. ***
poor boy, still at work. think his pay this month will be quite thick. yeah yeah!!!

he thinks that i like someone else. such an insecure freak despite the fact that i tried all my ways to convince him that "NO!" for god's sake. yet, he still goes on everyday. worse, when i didn't talk to him. he will start having imaginations. so sensitive.

he doesn't like me to go out with my friends. and when i told him "i'm meeting my friends." he goes "FOR WHAT!" asshole. but his "for what" really damn man la. LOL!

i hate it when soccer and his bike seems more important than me. especially soccer. he could have totally forget about me. i admit, i do get jealous over soccer. he could have marry the soccer channels.

when i asked him if i can go club during the weekends. damn, it's gonna be the last day i survive on earth. i don't understand why i can't go la! he used to allow me. okay, i know, that was 'cause we haven get together and he couldn't do much shit about it. when i asked him why he doesn't allow, his answer was: "later other guys touch you."

-______________________-"

what an answer.

damn 大男人. it's all him assuming and i have to accomodate his assumings.

but it's okay if i don't get to club. it would be so much better if i use all the time to spend with him. 'cause we meet like only 30 pathetic minutes every weeks days. ROAR! so for 5 days, it will be 2 and a half hour only. minus away thursday, 'cause it's my off day, it will be just freaking shit 2 damn hours only. i don't even dare to imagine when it rains for the whole week.

despite all the terrible sights of him(LOL!) he still so sweet to me. he brings me out willingly. he surprises me. when i said i'm hungry, he will packet for me.(or was it home delivery?) he was even more sweet when he ask me to clean him room like his maid girlfriend.

and after this shit post, i still have no idea why i fell for him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TING TING TING!

loveloves.

he said he will be giving me half of his pay! (YAY!) to keep (asshole).

guess it's better off this way. at least he will have the cash for his future job which require a sum of money to be out, in order for more to come in. i don't know if this job will eventually be helping him alot or it will just waste his time. if he succeed, great for him. but if he fails, i'm like the killer. i was the one who encourage him to get into this line, he's so gonna hate me. hopefully, he succeed, and get his dreams. and of course, i'll be helping him. see, i'm the women behind the man.

anyway, work's really been very tiring. along with studies. tomorrow is holiday which is also my off day. damn it. a public holiday that doesn't seems to be like one.

i was pretty lonely to be in office, both out, winnie's disappeared. imagine i do self entertainment in office to keep myself wake. i do talk alot, way more than i usually do when i'm sleepy.

i actually slept in the office while keying the datas into the computer when no one was around. so, they actually, woke me up when they were back. i really do have alot of datas to type into the bloody damn computer everyday that my eyeballs are moving closer to each other. there was this one day when i was drop dead tired, like crawling around the office the whole day and they asked me to key in the datas. great, the more i keyed, the more mistake i made, and the next moment, i realised, i was actually, sleeping with my eyes opened for the past few seconds, long seconds till my phone rang which i jumped up. god bless. and when people were talking to me, i'm looking at them, stare with extra huge eyes that my eyeballs gonna drop, so as not to leak out my tiredness, but i wasn't listening at all.

oh ya! he started his job, like finally. we will be meeting for lunch every single shit day. he promised. (oh, did he actually promised? was i too tired that day, that i was having a short world of mine, thinking that he promised?) whatever, i'll make him promise. anywhow, it's okay if he doesn't, 'cause my queky gonna be back in my arms. YAY! that's the best damn thing. i wouldn't be so lonely anymore and she can go lunch with me. i bet that thick skin freak would wanna join us too, he can't bare not to see me for a day. just like me!