he pester me. he irritates me.and all these really bother me. i hate it!

it's like, when i wanna reply, i will reply him. when i wanna pick up the phone, i will. the whole day i was thinking if i should patch up with him and he msged me if i can msg him cos he's feeling very down. i didn't reply. i had so much to stress about, so much to think about. he called me again, and i didn't pick up. when i don't pick up that means i really doesn't wanna pick up. I HAD NO MOOD! he msged me and called me at the same time. FUCK! if he wants to msg me, then why bother to call me? wait for my fucking msg la. he called and i was trying to type the whole fucking msg to reply him and he keep calling! fine, my phone got hang, the whole cellphone hung! can't work. the whole phone is in fucking mess now! happy now? thanks to you. then, he tried something new, he called my house. i picked up twice and my mum picked once. she questioned and stuffs. i'm going mad.

i can't stand the life i'm having now! i'm really so depressed! why no one isn't anyone helping me? why no one knows how i feel. i tried acting happy. yeah, HAPPY, to prevent myself from going depress, or getting myself really into depression. my brains are brusting, i'm feeling terrible and horrible. i want the life whereby it's only me, my decision, my thinkings and myself. i hate it when people irritates, pester me. i really hate it and i'm disgusted. i'm not going to change my mind of patching up. NO means NO. i really cannot live my life with him anymore. i really can't.


i feel my hand really dirty now. i control myself not to wash my hands, i really have to control.

no one understands, no one knows, the way i'm feeling. terrible and horrible. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

though i ended it on the 24th, it's still in a chaotic mess. we made a deal when we were together-meeting on the 9th of next month after we broke up. i unsure if i made the right decision to come out with this deal. he wanted a patch now, he promised that he will change. but i insisted a NO. i cried so hard after the break-up. i guess, now it's the time to stop the crying and continue my life. i wanted to give him a chance however, i feel that it's kinda hard to accept him back as i'm really comfortable with my life without him, i felt so relaxing and carefree. he said even if i'm back with him, he will allow me to have the freedom i want. to me, i think it's hard. he will still be controlling me, shouting at me. it's no easy for him to change. it's easy to say. it'll take alot of time. i know i should give him an last chance to prove that he can change, but i feel that it's still not the right time. i don't wanna get tied. i don't wanna get depressed. i wanna be happy which i know that when i'm back with him, i can hardly get them. well, i should leave the rest to fate. if we are really meant to, i won't run.

my mum asked me if i still got wash my hands. she advised me to be more happy. i guess she knows something about me and him. she keep asking.

school's really cool these days. my group expended-me, jennifer, jamie, li yan, yan ping, elsie, davidson, roystern, kim guan, esmond and boon kiat. well, though edwin is always with us, i don't think he's in my group. well, we planned to group outing on wednesday, esmond, edwin and boon kiat wasn't there but who cares! however, d when to tell edwin that we were going out and i was kinda pissed. so, roystern asked d and me to settle the edwin thing. so, d said we tell him that we are meeting and see if edwin wants to meet if he's meeting, royce will lend me his jacket. sweet~ god saved me, edwin said he doesn't wanna go and i jumped up. took some photos in the MRT. watched BREAK-UP. shit is all i can say. we were all like so bored in there. apart from this, really had a fun day going out.

thursday, went esplande cos kim guan meeting his gf there and the KPOs wanna see how she looks like so, tagged along. peeps, the mirrors in the library is really scary. went marina to eat. nice view from the food court. went for pool. KG's gf vs me. well, i hit the black ball though royce and d was there to guide me. more place for improvement! =)



oh yeah! the girls had loads of fun taking photos in elsie's place. especially with her gigantic bear!

i'm helpless. i don't understand the way i'm thinking. do i or do not love him? why in my previous post i'm so sure that i love him yet now, i'm confuse.

whenever i reminisce, i felt so love. the love he showered me made me like feels like i'm a princess. now, i resent thinking about what is going on between us. i'm really tired and stressed. i feel like ending yet i'm afraid that i can't bare to. but my friends told me, if you really can't go on anymore, don't force yourselves any further. you will ended up with nothing. another of my friend gave me a test and concluded that we had the chemisty but not feelings. maybe it's right, maybe it's not, cos i don't even know what i'm thinking. some friends gave me advise on how to maintain a relationship however, their relationship is different from mine. i really hope i can interven the things that are happening between us. but i think i can't. i don't wish to put in more effort, and i don't want to. i'm tried, i'm sick. i wanna be alone. i wanna live my own life and not him controlling over me. he said the slap really woke him up yet he still asked me,

EXAMPLE

me: finished school. i'm going to my friend's place to do my project.
him: whose house?
me: liyan's
him: got who?
me: jennifer, li yan, yan ping, LC
him: do till what time?
me: not sure.
him: okays

*** mintues passed ***

him: why must you everyday do project till so late go home? i'm not going to care much about you already. i'm sick and tired of repeating what i've always said.


it's like he don't trust me when he said this to me "thou i don't like you to go home so late, i sort of trust you more and and let you play more." he tole me this on 17 aug and on the 19 of aug, he said the above example to me. contridicting isn't it? it's just all lies.

i didn't blame him for the above though i was kinda fed up about it. i try to be good, nice, sweet to him and what i got back was shouting, anger and attutuding. i was at his place eating and after that i used the computer. there's something that i have to say. he told me that whenever i'm using the computer at his place, he will always be sitting beside me. yet, i was different ytd. he went into the room and sleep. can you imagine, he woke up in the afternoon and he's sleeping at 9? so, i went into the room to walk him up. unexpectedly, he was unhappy and a lil attitude. so, i went out continue using the computer. half an hour later, i finished using, i went back to his room. i move the fan a lil closer to me, and i got scolded from him for moving the fan and waking him up. fine, i move the fan back, he wasn't happy. i was fed up. i told him i wanted to go home and left. he shouted, pulled my hand and made a nuisance of himself again. i told him off and asked him to shut up. i requested him to let me go home cos i wanna be alone. he left.

it's his fault and he is blaming me? i didn't ask him to sleep in the first place and he shouldn't be. he should be sitting beside me! after all this, do you understand how i feel? i really wanna be alone.

perhaps, the things he did made me dissapointed and unexpected. they aren't what i hope for and not the way i want though i tried to make it my way to please me. yet, he think that i'm selfish, i'm only thinking of myself. yes, i'm thinking for myself but have he thought that when i'm happy, i will be good to him and we will be like before? no, he don't. all the knows i ask me to reflect everyday on myself. i'm really tired of explaining.


I WANNA BE ALONE!

i thought i could do it. i asked for a break-up which i thought i could handle it easy. i thought i could let him go, i was wrong, utterly, wrong. i thought i didn't love him any longer. well, i was so wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG!

i can't believe myself when i slap him real hard at his face. partly, i think he's just making a nuisance out of himself. i felt that he's really controlling me after the norman thing. he checks my phones and whereabouts. kept calling me that made me extrem irritated. the most outrage thing was he said i was i like norman which i think it's totally nonsense. i'm really sorry for slapping you. sincerly. cos i really can't accept what you were doing. i cried. it really hurts me when i slap you. i thought of hugging you when we just a few CM distance. i really do wanna hug u. even in the lift. perhaps, i was stubborn, i still insisted a break-up. i'm just so stubborn and it might cause me to loose a guy i'm always loving. when we agreed to the break-up, it's like a sword piercing through my heart. I DON'T WANT IT. yet, the foolish me, still insisted. i'm stupid. all i do when i reach home was to rush myself straight to the toilet. i cried out loud. blamed myself repeatedly. i looked at my right hand and repeatingly asking myself, 'why did i did that to hurt him?' i regretted. i knew i need him; a lot and a lot. i don't wanna leave him. i knew he felt worst than me 'cos i ditched him and he still loves me. i'm afraid that he might do silly things. i'm afriad that when he cross the road without looking out for cars and things might happened. i'm afraid that he might have countless of sleepless nights. i'm afraid he might not want to go home. i'm afraid......really afraid. after much consideration and helps, i finally asked him to stay. i was really elated when he accepted my request. thanks alot sweetheart!

i hate myself, i'm angry with myself for certain decisions i made. i hate myself for slapping the one i always love hard. there's now a numb on my right hand when i think of it. it really helps for me to remember the most hurtful thing i had ever done. i'm really sorry daring, i didn't mean to, really. will you forgive me? i'll try not to be stubborn.

i'm really very stressed up! can someone save me? i hate the complains, it's making me real stress! that's the reason why i hate replying your msg. i'm already having so much stress and you are still adding on it. in school, during projects, i had to translate their chinese to english for our projects, elsie is ruining our projects, she doesn't knows when to play and when to be real serious. now, li yan is unhappy, she wanna spilt. everyone is bad-mouthing about another in my group. what the fuck!

now, my uncle had been admited to the hospital because he can't breathe properly and this is the how many millions of times he had been going in and out TTSH. they can't diagnose what kind of sickness he is having. the doctors even had to send his report to AUS to do further test. they are taking real long! the medicine doesn't helps him at all.

now, jen is leaving tml and she din even bother to contact me. fine if she thinks i'm not important to her.

and after all this nonsense, he added on more. i feel like being alone yet i want someone to be there with me. but the person is not him. it's my friends. i would rather be with them. he's adding on to my problems. even the slightest thing, he wanna make a huge fuss abou it. i want fun, laugher, joy, love and sense of belonging and these can be found when i'm with my friends and not him. he told me he's crying every night cos i haven been talking and msging him much. why? because he will always find faults with me whenever we talk or msg. i don't wanna be in a quarrel therefore, i hardly contact him. however, i was a mistake. so, i tried msging him some, he started complaining. i really can't take this any long. at times, i really think we should end this. but whenever he talks about it, i can't bare to leave him. i cried. but i did some thinking, i put myself in a situation whereby i'm the one breaking up which him, sadly to sad, i don't feel sad or hurt at all. perhaps, it's because i can't take the situation that he's breaking up with me as i had even been ditch by any guys before.


pls, give me some break. do you understand?

i don't understand the way i'm thinking?! in fact, i don't know why or what i'm i thinking. can someone please help me? i'm like stuggling now.

i understand the reason why he doesn't wanna go out with me. he doesn't have the money to provide enough for me. well, count me unlucky to fall for him. at times, i had to pay some for him. but when the times he really has money to provide me, i guess, that was the happiest thing he had done. well, i don't blame him for not having enough to provide me and using my money, i understand that he's still young, i should give him more time. if i had chosen him, i should bare the consequences. however, i'm unhappy with what is going on between us. half a year without surprises, presents that shower my with his love. i think money is the main issuse here. 'cos i personally think that i'm a easily please person, as long as you can provide me with what i want, that's it. there will no longer be childish problems in our relationship. all i have to do now is wait for him to get his pay which i don't even know which year he will get it.

i thought a lot. it's always the our past that helps me to stay on with him. when i'm totally in love with him, all put in all my heart to do so, no matter how much i flirt or talks, msg with other guys, i'm still totally in love with him. but he don't understand me. you think that if i talk to the guy, i will fall for him. or norman, it's really my fault for talking to him at sucha late night. but no matter how many times i explained to him, he did not believe and ended up ignoring norman's msg. i feel really bad deep in my heart. it's like there's nothing going on between norman and me and because of you, i had to ignore his msg. i really don't know how to explain the feeling. perhaps, friendship comes in first for me.

when he started to treat me like shit, scolding, shouting, attituding and so on, my heart will go wild. i don't know what should i do to solve this. i don't understand why these few times, whenever i had a huge fight with him, someone, different guys will appeared to make me feel much much better. why must it always be a guy? i tried not to wander my heart and thoughts of by thinking of or past, at times, it really helps while sometimes, it doesn't.

i can be real good to my bf but i wan him to understand me and not controlling my life like i'm being tied. i cannot go out with my friends, i must meet him and so on. i need life! when he can't afford to go shopping to me, i turn to my friends, but he's unhappy and fed up that instead of going out with him, i go out with my friends.

i'm a demanding person, stubborn you can say. i really don't know how to change. i want my bf to listen to me, do say i say and I WANT MY FREEDOM! a sweet guy is when he does or obey everything his gf ask or request. he don't mind if he has to act like a transexual or maid or a clown but just to please her. just look at the way chen xiao seng treats ah-zi. isn't that what every girl wants? he give in and in again to ah-zi no matter what. he don't mind being treated like a sissy, as long as he can make her happy, he will do anything like waking up early to go up hills to buy her fav. food.


WHY AREN'T ALL THE FUCKING GUYS OUT THERE DOING THIS?! FACES? PLEASE, TO YOUR LOVES ONES, YOU DON'T NEED FACES BUT JUST GIVE IN AND IN TO HER! WHY ARE ALL THE GUYS SO HOT TEMPER? WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING GOODS MAN?!

was supposed to go shopping with me today but he slept till 2.30. tried calling him since 12 but he was still asleep. i told him to meet 4 when he woke up, he told me it's late. i suggested 3.30 he said tml then go out. when the fuck will i have the chance to go SHOPPING! he promised no matter what, we will be going out today, but yet, he insisted in breaking his promise. i just don't understand why can't he just keep every of his promise made? if he can't fulfil them, why make them in the first place? it happened almost a hundred of times! it's like he knows i'm really eager to go out and yet he still INSISTED not to go out today. so what if his mother is not in and he can't get money from her? it's not like i really need him to pay everything for me! his mother also, last time give him 10 bucks, now, lesser and lesser. i really don't know when he will get his pay! i'm suggling for money and i still have to pay some for him. sucha stupid job, making a person elated for nothing.

FINALLY, a new blog of mine where i can vent everything in here! i'll leave this blog to memories that i feel i'm really depressed, hurt. i guess, i would mostly be my love life.

many though i had a wonderful love life. sadly, i do not.

this was what he said to me


"i had enough of these. it's just that i'm olding on. don't make me find a new girl and break with you and make you embarassed."


i had never expect him to send something so hurtful to me. we quarrelled often but never will this came out from his mind. it really made my heart spilt in to pieces. i felt so helpless. no one to turn to. it's like even you tell someone, all the person can do is just console, he/she can't bring the pain away from you. my head id spinning. anger rushed up my head, it's exploding. i bite my pillow, crunching my hands, the angry, the saddness did not lighten. i had not choice but to bite myself again. i had tried my very best not to bite anymore, however, biting really helps. i try to cut myself but i can't bring myself to do it. why? i extremly afraid of blood. helplessly, i cried for 2 hours, eyes are swollen and pain.



i'm really helpless, depressed. my head cannot take it any longer. it's just shit!