and so, on another month, we went to watch a live soccer match. it wasn't that exciting as watching matches like the euro on the television. yes, i meant on tv, not live.

i don't know why he loves it so much.

he bought me to kent ridge park after he went to see my uncle for his fall. it was such a paranomic view. i wish i could just plant my house up the hills with sea views and greenery. which also include the architecture of the bulidings. it's such a waste not taking any photos of the views. i wanna go there again!

HELLO BF, YOU SEE IT? I WANNA GO THERE AGAIN OKAY!

result was out. i'm fine. no thyroid. i'm lucky. i was relieve. if not, taking the medicine can cause me to turn in a pig. that was what happened to people who were diagnosed with any stage of thyroid. mum was relieve. dad was relieve. thank god!

so, *scratch head* what's all the symtoms of thyroid about? there were question marks on the doctor, my mum and me. the doctor seeing my weight dropping rapidly had no choice but he said "it's better for a full body check-up."

i'm still eating like a king kong. bf couldn't stand it. he would go "huh?!! still not enough?" "what? again? we just ate?"

so, this is the 45kg me. grandpa noticed it on his birthday and he kept telling my mum to not let me go on diet. ON DIET?! huh? since when?

each and everyday, i stand in front of the mirror. it goes like this: god damn it, i look so so damn ugly. i hate my face. there were times when i feel like killing myself, and i hope i don't go out and scare people.

i hate the comments that i'm going on diet given by people. this isn't what i want at all.

i forced myself to eat. i ate breakfast, then lunch, yet after lunch i bought a lot of tibits or snacks and i countinue eating non stop till i meet bf for dinner and i eat again. and at times, i will say "can buy another meal?" and if bf said he is too full to share with me, i have to stop eating till the next day. this routine has been going all day.

and eventually, eating too much makes me wanna puke. therefore, i cut down to have breakfast, lunch and dinner only. i might skip either one till i have gastic ache, that's when i proceed to get my snacks and so on and force it down me.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG?!

i so do not want to go do the full body check up. imagine how much more courage i have to put up for it. the blood test had almost killed me.

HOW LA!

it's either i stay put at this weight or i maintain it. if i go on loosing, i'll kill myself. i'm i put on weight till over 50kg, i will kill myself too. 'cause there's a big day coming, i don't wanna ruin the way i look.

my heart beat went up to 160 per min. it's insane. i almost faint flat on the ground when he told me he gonna take 5ml out of me.

though he had already comfirmed my situation, i still have to do the test for a better comfirmation. i thought i could skip the test when he said, "it is."

i screamed as loud as i could, i stomp my foot even before he insert the needle into my arm. he calm me down, holding me tight. my mum hugged me. they both knows, i hate or rather put it this way, i totally afraid of it. the nurses peeked into the room, as usual. i bet they got used to my screamings. i hugged my mum so tight when he used the cotton to wipe my arm.

damn dramatic.

yet when he was done, i was shocked. so fast? i didn't even feel a thing. not even when he put the needle in or when he pull it out. i felt nothing.

BUT, when i saw that tube of my blood in it, i turned jelly.

monday is doomsday.

doctor comfirmed and i know it myself. seeing the way i loose weight whlist eating like a king kong, i can't run away anymore. i know. yet to hope that the result will be negative.

how hard should i pray this time for a negative?

or probably, when i wake up the next morning, all i have been through was just a dream and i will be as healthy as ever. i swear, if the result is negative, i eat any shit my mum said it's good for me. i swear.

why? of all, me again?

wasn't your favourite at all.

still remember when i was 3, all the kids of my age are happily living their childhood, but you chose me, to not live my life like them. i was out there busy looking for the best doctor to cure me. every kid of my age run around. wasn't that the life everyone should have. you took that away from me. i couldn't run. i couldn't eat kids' all time favourite happy meal. i couldn't eat any tibits, no cold drinks, just plain water. no fried food, no chicken, just plain breakfast, lunch and dinner.

when i was 6, because you chose me, i was in and out of hospital. how many times was that? how much did daddy spent on me? how many times did i have to fight to breathe? well, there was this one time, i really thought i was gonna die. mum and dad suffered with me.

that night at 6, why didn't you stop those things away from me? you know how was it like to wake up in the morning and to realise i couldn't even walk? you never protected me once. am i really that insignificant to you?

when i was 7, i went to primary school. no one likes me. everyone likes to run. but i couldn't. i'm a black sheep. during PE, no one wanna be in the same group as me, cause i couldn't run. because you chose me, i'm being left out.

remembered when i was 8, school had their annual fun fair? i wanted to play treasure haunt so much. no one wanna be in the same group as me. i already got my tickets. mum knows i'm upset. she said she could join me, but i didn't want to. i want to play with me friends. because you chose me, i can't play my favourite treasure haunt. all mum could do was to do her best to stop me from being sad. she suffered with me again. you know, i'm still affected by this. it might not be anything big to anyone, but it is to me. you made me hate myself.

and again when i was 8, i dreamt of grandma dying. 2 days later, everyone went to the hospital to see grandma, mum was kinda reluctant to bring me there as she said hospital had alot of gems. that evening, grandma died. i didn't get to see her. because you chose me, i couldn't see my grandma the last time. i live with this guilt till this very day.

when i was 11, i thank you. 'cause you stopped me from suffering. i stopped going in and out of hospital and i stopped on my medication. i thought you started to realise you made a mistake on choosing me to suffer at such a young age.

when i was 14, people eat seafood like no one's business, yet, i get swelling that i have to go for operations, leaving so many scars on my body now. because you chose me, to suffer again.

when i was 15, doctor told me i had white blood cells more than the reds. because you chose me again.

now, you din love me either. despite me not having a good childhood, won't you just leave me alone for a better adult life? why of everyone, each and everytime i am being chosen? what have i done to suffer all this craps? what have i done that my parents have to suffer with me? why me this time, again? this is a life time thing. you made me go on medication for almost 8 years, now, you want me to go for a lifetime medication? how could you be so cruel to me?

check out this smart boy.

reeeeeeeallly cute.

Boy meets girl and looks in her eyes

Time stands still and two hearts catch fire

lost and found

GUESS WHAT! baby's gonna give me money to shop! it's either he's giving me, or he will accompany me to go shop and he pays for it, he said! grreat!

it's been so so so so long since he's doing this.

you know, he used to give me money to go shopping even before we got together. but yea, that was when he was damn rich. those were the days. should have cheated all his money before they all gone. it's okay. they weren't meant to be his anyway.

one more paper and it's freedom. and then, baby and i can have many desaru days.